Hey Dads, have you ever yelled at your kids? After trying to tell your kids to not do or do a certain thing for the infinite time and still seeing no result, any sane parent or dad can see the various keeping calm techniques evaporating. The result is : Yelling at kids
But how do you feel after you have yelled at your kid? A recent study points to a deeper level of harm that fathers do to themselves as they yell. A sudden surge of anger send adrenaline shooting through your blood and resulting into extreme alertness, sensitivity and muscle tension.
And what happens when we have sudden adrenaline rush? We feel a deeper urge to scream, shout, hit which are all the harm causing reactions and lead to further more serious issue of heightened blood pressure and heart palpitations.
On the other end of the spectrum the results and reactions are also unpleasant. A research points out that kids who are being yelled at get frightened which yield into more problematic behavior and become susceptible to more yelling.
They can either fight back or freeze as a “Fight” or “Flight” reaction. Often fathers who are often more of a disciplinarian in domestic set ups are unaware off this cycle and the cause and effect of the yelling that they indulge into.
Another factor to consider is that no body enjoys being yelled at. As an adult you would not. So why are kids being thought of as different. And their reaction are also very similar to adults. They will either shout back or shut down and completely stop listening to you.
It is often noted that kids starts yelling back as they receive a consistent barrage of yells and shouts. As this increasingly becomes a norm and an expectation of something that every interaction leads to, kids tend to form a mechanism to retaliate and act unaffected.
There are also instances where kids retort back saying ” You scream at me for no reason any way, so why should I listen”. These are all telltale signs that as a father or a parent you need to check you behavior first before you figure out how to deal with you kids.
We as fathers make a lot of mistakes. Lord knows, how bad we are at being fathers when we start and how we rise up to the occasion and do what ever it takes and learn what ever is need to learn, to make this fatherhood thing work.
In the similar spirit of things, as fathers we owe it to ourself and our ext generation to try and make your home a calm and relaxing place where respect and love drives conversation of any order and of any scale. The road of fatherhood is paved with mistakes but its all worth it.
It can be agreed that yelling can come from the best of the intentions. Fathers or Parents want to be good parents and its their inability to communicate the message to their kids that result into their yelling which eventually is harmful for kids. Yelling it is believed lessens the connections between a parent and the children.
It furthers damages a child’s self-esteem, their sense of self-worth. The child will inadvertently think that this is what he deserves and not that the father or mother are frustrated.
This pattern of yelling consistently at kids however is never helpful in terms of discipline as it becomes white noise and children assume that as they default communication methodology.
But What does yelling at your kid really do?
Of course we have stated above the harmful effects that yelling has on your own health as well as on the psychology of the child. But also what it invariably does is bring the spot light on you. Imagine you land up at a crime scene unaware of what conspired and all of a sudden the cops start chasing you for the crime.
The real criminal is home free. Well in reality, its not that grim of a situation but the effects are similar. The child is already feeling bad and on top of that when you send barrage of yells his way, he reacts in frustration and takes your reaction as something cruel or mean.
What this also does is take the focus away from the mischief or misdeed that your child did. In face in all the yelling the child is not even thinking of what he did which is causing all the yells to come his way. He is just focused on you yelling at him and why are you so mean to him.
Does this make you a bad parent?
Of course not. The reason you first yelled is because you are a concerned parent who cannot watch from the sidelines as your child indulges in something inappropriate or might hurt himself in the process of doing so.
The daily toil and chores are overwhelming and get the better of the best of us and when this gets further compiled by the incessant mischiefs of our kids, we lose it. And we are not alone. This situation is shared by millions of parents and fathers across the world who want to be the good parent and in the process end up yelling at their child.
As fathers, we only know the turmoils we go through day in day out. especially for the involved dads and there are days which do not go as planned. The highs and lows of life have daunted the best of us.
And still we stand up the next day to go through it repeatedly all because we care of our little ones. We can very easily bail on the whole situation and walk away but that is not what parenting and fatherhood is about.
We stick to it because are hopes and aspirations are tied in our child as we watch them grow as the best version of ourselves. Feeling guilty for yelling at your child is a natural response and is a reminder to us to step back and analyse the situation.
So what to do, after you have yelled at your child?
- Calm down: Its vital for you to regain your composure first before doing anything else. Takes deep breathes , do number counting or drink a glass of water.
Basically whatever helps to bring your heart beat to normal level and helps you to think of what just happened and how to move forward from here. Of course your child is angry as well and may be crying too so it becomes imperative that you act and res establish the connect.
- Give a reassuring Hug : Once you are ready to act and your mind and body are calm, go to you child and without saying anything give him a hug and tel him you are sorry and you love him so much. this should be heart felt and the child should feel that you are sorry for the way you acted and yous till love him so much.
In some cases, this might take some time as the child will not accept your apologies straight way. Put you have to be persistent and keep your equanimity while doing so. In your heart you know what caused it, but stay focused and reconnect with your child.
- Patience : This takes practice and is one of the most challenging aspects of repairing a relationship as you are not in control of the other person. And you are dealing with a child who is angry, upset and is not thinking straight.
They need to see that you love and value them which can take some time to be recognized and accepted.
- Do something together : After you see some change in your child’s behavior, its time to step it up. Get together and do some bonding activities with your child.
Take him to an ice cream parlor, play his favorite sport and let him win, go for a bicycle ride, go for a walk/jog in the park, tel jokes to each other , watch a movie etc.
All these activities have the common theme about you two spending special time together which will further enforce positivity on your bond.
All these efforts which yo put in to reconcile tels your child that you care for them. On the contrary not doing anything send a message that you don’t care about how he thinks.