It hits like a lightning bolt!
But initially its one of those things that you really think will happen to you and for the initiated, statistics side with this belief. That is why when it happens, one is hit by so many emotions all at once. Imagine feeling outrage, pain, distress, suffering and possible depression all at once. One can only imagine the magnitude here. Most of it, the feeling of utter breach of trust from someone you swore truthfulness till the end of time, only makes matter worse.
So what do you do in an event of infidelity by your wife? Keeping the impulses separate, there are several things to consider here.
- Take a deep breath. In fact take a couple of deep breathes and calm yourself down. When you feel yourself in control and able to talk in a normal tone, speak to her. Ask her why she, did what she did. What compelled her to embark onto something that she knew would ruin the relationship. Understand her and at the same time, tel her exactly how you feel and do not hold back. Its critical she understands how you feel by this action of hers. This might take few rounds and would not be a quick conclusive discussion. But maintain your composure and do not indulge in any temperamental acts.
- If you have children, make them priority because any decision you now take will effect them in multiple ways. She is their mother and mothers have a very vital role in bringing up of a child. As you work through the stuff with your wife, stay connected with them and let them know that you are trying everything to make it work for them. Staying connected with them will also enable you to focus on the positives in your life even when you feel everything is falling apart. This will prevent you to indulge in any ill habits or intoxication which makes you do stupid things and one which you will regret later.
- When you have had few sessions with her do some introspection by spending some alone time. Consider the health of your marriage and what made her jeopardize it. Did you contribute in any way? Weigh in those factors as well. Did you inadvertently distanced her from yourself? Were you too focused on work and kids? Were you spending too much time on social media? Was your intimacy and sex life next to non existent? Answer all these questions and evaluate how you fair. Marriage is a team and if one side has malfunctioned, the other side in some way contributory. Traditionally the whole blame falls on the one who cheated and the other spouse is looked upon as a victim and this aspect of self introspection and taking some of the blame is normally overlooked.
- Seek some help from a trusted friend, one you know will give you sane advice and would not lead you astray. Pout out your to him and listen to what he says. If you have someone who has been through a similar situation, listen to him and what he says about the pros and cons of various choices you make. Experience itself goes a long way. Also seek professional help. There are marriage counselors who are adept at helping you find the way if you feel lost and are not able to figure out what to do.
If you are the religious kind, pray and speak to god and ask him what you should do next. This will definitely help you find your path.
- Trying and forgive her. This will be the hardest and the most gradual act and will take some realizing and understanding. You can have your reasons for this. May be you want to do it for the children or may be you want to start over and give your marriage another chance. May be she is utterly sorry for the misjudgment and you want to give he another chance.
Find solace in these reasons and build up the courage to forgive her. Often it is seen that, when couples work through the rough stuff, there bond becomes much stronger then before and the chemistry which was missing earlier acts like magic.
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