We often see couples who are happily married on day one , start to struggle as they grow more complacent and accustomed to each other. There are different ways in which every couple deals with it and some even happen to make it work though years and decades.
But for some couples, things get wrong and even though the superficial list of issues could be wrong and might change every week. However, its the underlying factors are the ones that need addressing and exploration.
With this aim in mind, we have curated 13 threats that can hamper a marriage
“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” – Oscar Wilde
Marriage is about giving. Giving is what cultivates a good relationship. Having the ability to not only think about the wants and needs of someone else, but the capacity to see the world from their view is what draws people together.
2. Bitterness :
“Don’t let anger control you….Don’t let hate enslave you.
Don’t let negativity overcome you…..Don’t let bitterness conquer you.” –Matshona Dhliwayo
A lasting relationship requires forgiveness and the lack of which brings anger and bitterness to a marriage. A better way will be to assume your spouse has the best intentions and perhaps they didn’t mean to hurt you. Maybe they are trying their best, but are struggling. Maybe you unintentionally hurt them and they are reacting out of their pain.
3. Pride :
“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.” – Sophocles
Marriage brings the realization and necessity to change and evolve as the relationship grows. In such a scenario, pride acts as a counterproductive elements causing us to be stubborn and unconnected to the people around us , especially our spouse. This further leads to blaming others , every time something goes awry.
“A man who goes into a restaurant and blatantly disrespects the servers shows a strong discontent with his own being. Deep down he knows that restaurant service is the closest thing he will ever experience to being served like a king.” – Criss Jami
There are times when we feel that we rather
5. Lack of Interest :
“Anything and everything can become our teacher of the moment, reminding us of the possibility of being fully present: the gentle caress of air on our skin, the play of light, the look on someone’s face, a passing contraction in the body, a fleeting thought in the mind. Anything. Everything. If it is met in awareness.” – Jon Kabat-Zin
We live in a distracted world where our attention span has gone to a mere 2 seconds after which we start looking for the next interesting thing . Most couples need a subtraction in todays life rather then an addition to really understand and be with each other. Instead of indulging in new things, couples must rediscover how to simply be with each other without any bells and whistles. Because when you strip away all the layers and facades, you are left with your true self and your partner’s.
6. Lack of Empathy:
“Empathy is simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of you’re not alone.” – Brene Brown
Empathy forms the foundation and bedrock of any connected relationship we share with any loved ones and its becomes more so vital in a marriage. But as it is often seen, it is hard to come by. In any relationship, empathy is not bred mutually between two people. One party has to take the initiative without a guarantee of reciprocation all in an attempt to reassure the other person. Early on empathy is a scary and often when you disagree on perspective and opinion empathy is elusive. It takes real work to appeal to other person’s emotion rather then to debate and discuss on intellect. The truth is, the people we love are fallible human beings and they will never be the perfect mirror we desire. Can we love them anyway, by taking the empathy plunge ourselves?
7. Too much Love for Children:
“My feeling of responsibility for the safety and well-being of my children is so strong, that should an asteroid threaten to wipe out all life on earth, I would still hold myself responsible for their fate.” – Boghos L. Artinian
Its natural and understandable. The moment you have your new born in your arms, everything else fades and you life revolves around the new born. But that does not mean it has to come at a cost of neglecting the very person who was instrumental in bringing the new born into this world. Life is all about finding a balance between people and showing them constantly that they are important to us.
8. The past:
“I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.” – Beryl Markham
How do you live for today, if the shadow of the past hangs heavy on your present? How do you give your partner the desired attention and care when you are engrossed in the past? The past is important to us and their is a reason it all happened to us. But one should pick the learning and the lessons that life taught us and then move forward form there. Appreciate the gifts that god has given us as part of our present and understand their importance and meaning to your life in the present. Never let them be ignored all because an event in the past effects you in some way.
9. Lack of Solid Communication:
“You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won’t mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever…. connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.” – C. JoyBell C.
This is a key requirement for any marriage to work. Through ups and downs of life, periods of distance and closeness, if there is one thing that binds two people, its their ability to communicate their feelings and thoughts. In a normal married life, couples only get few minutes to really speak with each other and listen to each other. One should make a constant effort to find pockets of time in a busy day to make this happen. This threat to marriage is something that can be easily fixed with some conscious effort.
10. Too much Social media :
“It amazes me that we are all on Twitter and Facebook. By “we” I mean adults. We’re adults, right? But emotionally we’re a culture of seven-year-olds. Have you ever had that moment when are you updating your status and you realize that every status update is just a variation on a single request: “Would someone please acknowledge me?” – Marc Maron
With the advent of Social media in recent years, there are cases frequently seen where adults start leaving a virtual life to a point that they start ignoring the real people and loved ones around them. You can easily lose hours in a day, where you go from checking notifications to messages, to updating your profile to adding friends…. the list goes on and on. And all this while you are ignoring your real partner in this life you live. It might be time to unplug, disconnect, shut down and invest in your spouse.
11. Lack of Intimacy :
“there’s nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood. And understanding someone else.” – Brad Meltzer
Intimacy is vital in a relationship. Its like when you reveal yourself to another person in a true way, then you two get connected like a soul mate with your partner. How else can you reveal your self to the one person who is destined to know it all? Sometimes where words do not do justice to what you feel and think, the heart to heart connection formed through intimacy bridges the gap between two people. The lack of intimacy can be a persistent threat to marriage if not attended to.
12. Unforgiveness :
“People withhold their forgiveness, thinking that it makes them badass. But really, the unwillingness to forgive is merely the wishing that things were better. You wish that you had better, you wish that someone else were better so they could have treated you better… it’s you making wishes. And that’s not badass. To forgive is to be able to look at the person and say “I accept that you weren’t any better than what you were”, “I accept what you were you and couldn’t have been what I wished you to be”, “I accept that things were the way they were and weren’t any better.” The ability to forgive is intertwined with the ability to accept the reality of the way things are/ the way a person is or was. You stop wishing things and you just accept. And hope is what says to you: “One day you’ll have what’s better.” ― C. JoyBell C.
If we lack the courage to forgive the other person for their deeds, we put the marriage under a serious threat and one that can destroy years of heard work and family bond. Forgiving the other person is also one of the way to relive yourself from the burden of suffering and accepting the destiny and God;’s plan behind doing it. it gives us an avenue to grow as a person and also display that you are a bigger person.
“Me? I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly… stupid.” ― Captain Jack Sparrow
Honesty in marriage is like a chain that holds est of the attributes together and forms the back bone of the whole marriage and family structure. Without this, all the other tributes seem to fade away. Dishonesty directly harms the trust attribute vital for a successful relationship. Two partners in marriage can only confide in each other if they have the base of trust and honesty, knowingly well that they can share and reveal everything with the other person. Without this feeling everything else seems frivolous.
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